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| God brings me many reminders as I talk to him in the mornings |
That word weighs heavy in my mind often. That word. It’s a
delicate word, a complicated word, a deep word, a lovely word and at times a
difficult word. Home. I find my soul aching, longing, and searching for it. I
work so hard to help my kids process this word as they go through seasons of
missing “home”. Depending on the child home is a different place. I allow them
to grieve and remind them that together we are “home”. I work very hard to
stress this, to encourage this, to lift that little sadness that creeps into
their hearts and minds from time to time. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of
joy and smiles here. God is good. He assures me and my family of that truth,
often, always at a time when we need it. But there is a feeling, an anchoring,
that is no longer ours. If we go back to
any place, time has not stayed frozen, and what was known, is not totally the
same anymore. Being gone just 1 year from our first home and visiting displayed
that. Familiar places closed down, friends moved, marriages happened, deaths
happened, we missed out, and they in turn missed out on what we went
through. Not that the visits are not
sweet, but the sense of belonging, of ownership, of familiar fades. Sometimes I
find myself crying out in my heart “God, I just want to feel that feeling of
familiar again, I want to feel home, I want my children to feel home. My heart
hurts when they miss things or we can’t provide certain things because this
land just doesn’t have it.” I struggle sometimes. But as I empty out my heart,
I am reminded of verses that God speaks to us about home. And I can clearly
hear His voice say to me “this land is not your home. That feeling is not for
here anymore. One day though, one day you will have that again. One day.” And
when I hear that and when I read that in His word, I cannot tell you how much
comfort that He brings me. My little family has been blessed enough to know
that we will not have that feeling of familiar or anchoring to any place on
earth anymore. Is that hard? Yes at times it is. But there’s also a hope in it.
I was talking to my youngest son, the other day, about Mother Teresa and he said,
“How come I never met her?” and I said, “Honey she died a long time ago but man
did she love Jesus and love people.” He said excitedly, “Hey I’ll get to meet
her in heaven!” and I said, “you know what, we will get to meet her one day in
heaven and it’s going to be awesome.”
Heaven, home. Heaven, home. I
feel like God has so much patience with me because only now, almost 30 years of
loving Jesus, and the word heaven is finally bringing me child like excitement.
I mean I feel excited, that I have a home waiting for me. There is a home
waiting for all of us if we want it. That feeling of familiar, of feeling
anchored, of feeling at true peace – for eternity. I guess missing home for now
is like a breath when compared to forever. So when those hard days come, I hope
I can remember that heaven is my home and I am just a stranger in these land,
passing through till I get called home. Home.
